Trying to Find Peace in My Solitude

As I walked through the streets of New York, I couldn’t help but notice that everyone had a plus one. Whether it was their family, friends, or partner, they had someone with them. From the outside looking in, it seemed like they were enjoying each other's company. Seeing that after moving to a new state all by myself made me feel a bit homesick.

Today, being Sunday, definitely didn't help. I’m used to spending Sundays with my family, gathered around a nice, home-cooked Jamaican meal. Sundays were never lonely.

To mask that feeling today, I decided to go to a nearby Jamaican restaurant. I ordered curry goat with rice and peas and mac and cheese (Jamaicans… let’s put the mac down, please).

I sat in there and ate some of my food while dancehall blasted through the speakers and Jamaican nationals walked in and out. Hearing my mother tongue on a Sunday was exactly what I needed to ease the homesickness feeling.

But as I sat there, I started to wonder:

Why can’t I seem to find peace within my solitude?

My mind drifted back to something my old therapist said. She told me that because my cousin Hopriana and I grew up like twins and were never apart until 2021, I’ve been trying to replace her ever since, trying to find her in everyone. And maybe… she had a point.

The most Hopriana, and I were ever apart was three days, and that only happened a couple of times. When she eventually went off to college, that loneliness started to sink in.

However, I had my best friend, who never left my side. She made that transition easier.

But after she moved across the country to pursue her dreams, I noticed a pattern. Every year since 2021, I’ve had someone else to “replace” her; I always had a plus one. Then I got into a relationship that lasted until mid-2024, and after that ended… I was completely lost.

I tried filling that void by hanging out with my older cousin and her friends. I just needed something, anything to distract myself from the quiet. Then I started dating a lot. By the end of 2024, I decided I needed to finally try being at peace with my solitude.

And I was doing great.

Until my family came for the winter.

Suddenly, I wasn’t alone anymore, music blasting, family friends coming in and out, spontaneous activities, it felt like home again. But once they left in mid-January 2025, it was just me and my solitude again.

I hated it.

I knew I needed to mend it.

Now you’re probably thinking,

“Junnie, I’m sure this time you finally locked in with your solitude and embraced it.”

WRONG.

What did I do? I started talking to a 21-year-old. At my big age, why was I even doing that? At that point, I was doing everything I could to distract myself.

That didn’t last long. And once again, I was alone. So I decided that, on top of my full-time job and studying, I was going to pick up a second job, and I needed to be around people. After all, my friends lived far, and my family lived even farther.

Working that second job actually helped. I didn’t have time to think, and that was exactly what I wanted.

But even that didn’t stop me from wanting that one person. I met someone. Then, during him, there was someone else. And of course, a sprinkle of the ex. What was I doing?

Well… that all crashed and burned, too.

Maybe that’s my issue: I keep trying to fill this “one person” role with romance when what I really need is a platonic person, a best friend again.

Because every time the romance crashed and burned…

I’m left in the silence.

Alone again.

And now here I am.

In the big city.

Back with my solitude.

This time, there’s no running from it.

So… how do I find peace in my solitude?

Was my therapist right? Do I hate being alone because I’ve never truly had to be?

I’m trying to make this new chapter about stepping into myself, whether it's my career goals, fitness goals, or hobbies.

I don’t know how I’m going to navigate this chapter,

But I know I’m in for a ride.

Do you have to have that one person, too?

Do you struggle to find peace in your solitude?